Business, Friendship, and Money Etiquette

I have no problems with making sure that my purely personal friendships jive well when money’s involved; I pay my way and assist friends in need within reason, we’re honest with each other about our limits, and it generally works out pretty well. I have no problem with keeping my business money separate from personal money in a corporate environment, and generally dining out with the office has always been fairly straightforward: the office paid. But what of the gray area in between? Specifically, when you’re networking and not interviewing with or working for the person you’re dining with?

From a purely business perspective, my friend/mentor advised me not to quibble over who paid the bill when I dined out with an older, successful, networking acquaintance. “He can most certainly afford it, he invited you, and he can always write it off,” she asserts. These points were all true, at the time. The person in question is both gracious and helpful whenever possible leads come up, and has since taken the initiative to point me and my resume at highly placed persons who were interviewing for desirable positions. [At which point it’s up to me so that there isn’t impropriety or influence on my behalf which I would never ask for or expect.]

But what happens when the acquaintance morphs into a semi-friendship? When you’re meeting to catch up and tell stories, it’s no longer 100% business. I feel like that development then brings with it the obligation to offer to, and even insist on, paying sometimes. It’s only fair. I don’t want my acquaintance/now friend to think that I simply expect a great meal at his expense; that’s certainly not the case.

I’m aware that insisting on footing the bill when he has selected the restaurant, when he is more than financially comfortable [yes, finances have come up in the conversation in a career-related turn], and/or when I am unemployed seems to smack more of irrational pride than sense. But I’m unemployed, not destitute, and it hardly seems right to assume that I shouldn’t pay simply because I don’t have access to a corporate account. That seems like a recipe for brewing resentment; the line of reasoning that “you have more money than I, so let’s use your resources, thanks!” doesn’t sit well with me. Neither party’s resources should determine who pays. It can certainly influence the selection of the experience, but I think fair means that both parties take it in turn to pay.

How does the financial relationship change when your business relationship acquires shades of the personal? How should it?

[Disclosure: This post is also published at my blog, A Gai Shan Life.]

October 30, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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Carnival of Personal Finance #228

Welcome to Money Crasher’s Carnival of Personal Finance #228, the Halloween Edition.

Here are Money Crasher’s Editor’s Picks:
My Life ROI: Gifts for Kids: Who Do They Belong To?
AllFinancialMatters: Bill Miller vs. the S&P 500 Index
Bargaineering : The Economics of Energy
Bargaineering: True Power of Compound Interest
Money Under 30: Seven Signs You’re At Risk for Identity Theft
Suburban Dollar: When Debtors Go AWOL
Mighty Bargain Hunter: Do this and you’ll manage your checking account successfully
Bible Money Matters: 10 Attributes Of The Perpetually Broke
Budgets Are Sexy: Does it matter who the “breadwinner” is anymore?
Man Vs. Debt: 92 Quotes About Debt That’ll Make You Think, Laugh, & Tweet!
Cash Money Life: The Early Adopters Tax

Please remember to link back to the Carnival if your submission was featured!

We look forward to next week’s Carnival hosted by Kelly of The Centsible Life. Please be sure to submit your best articles by Sunday, 5 pm EST!

October 26, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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Is frugality fading?

Throughout the recession, bold sweeping statements were made about the deep and lasting change in the consumer mentality. Countless reporters declared that this recession was going to leave a mark akin to that of the Great Depression: frugality is here to stay.

The sky-high unemployment rates, the unprecedented call for long-term unemployment benefits, the staggering number of people struggling to make it from one day to the next, all these indicators point to the wisdom of continued frugality.

Officials talk about a “jobless recovery” which can only mean that the depredations of this recession – homelessness due to foreclosure (NY Times), students carrying tens of thousands in debt with few job prospects (LA Times), people joining the Army as a last resort for family medical care (Milwaukee-Wisconsin Journal Sentinel) – continue to take a huge bite out of whatever remaining resources, and hope, people may have.  Rainy day accounts, emergency funds, family and friends are tapped out, public and private sources of assistance are equally drained as charitable donations disappear.

And with the constant political fights over every single solution, none of which seem terribly effective [not to get political here], these circumstances aren’t getting better in a hurry.

If you read the sometimes harsh, certainly intense comments over at Bargaineering about the proposed extension of unemployment benefits, you can see that there’s a dichotomy between those who are currently unemployed, and those who are not.  Many of those unemployed have been so for months, some for over a year, and I have to wonder how deeply this will affect our career paths.

Yet, for some of those who still bring home a paycheck, the deprivation of frugality palls and as this article in the Washington Post notes, “deep and lasting change might prove challenging in a country where the phrase “shop ‘til you drop” gets 1.7 million Google hits.”

I admit that I was fatigued by all the dire recession talk by mid-May, despite my own preparation for unemployment.   Who wouldn’t become sick of such constant negativity?  But my baseline has always been set on savings and frugality.  For many Americans, that’s still a concept with negative connotations: “I’m saving/spending less because the company’s going through layoffs,” “I’m cutting back because we have less money.”   There aren’t a lot of positives associated with the notion of New Economy frugality, just a lot of coping techniques.

Because of that, I have to wonder how this will all shake out.  Will we reach a median somewhere between the high-luxe spending of the boom years and the extreme belt-tightening of this past year?  Or are we looking at the beginnings of a fissure in American society where a greater gap opens between the haves and have-nots?  Or will we return to business as usual as the cycle turns again?

[You can find my everyday writing over at A Gai Shan Life.]

October 21, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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Carnival of Personal Finance #227

Fabulously Broke brings us the Carnival of Personal Finance #227 with a highly personal, storytelling edition. She did an amazing job, and even included an extra index of posts by topic for you at the end of the story version. I’d read the story, myself.

Len Penzo: 7 Deadly Sins of Personal Finance
Free Money Finance: 5 Stages of Investing Enlightenment
Bret Frohlich: The Economics of Energy
Bargaineering: Most Valuable Regular U.S. Coin
Money Help for Christians: The characteristics of the poor, middle-class & wealthy
M is for Money: Should colleges charge more for certain degrees?
Saving to Invest: Why even high-income earners are not far from the edge of poverty

Please remember to link back to the Carnival if your submission was featured!

We look forward to next week’s Carnival hosted by Money Crashers. Please be sure to submit your best articles by Sunday, 5 pm EST!

October 19, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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Family, Money, and Loans

What I have to say applies to close friends as well as family, but it’s a theme that I’ve had a lot of experience with over the years, and posted about the latest not too long ago on my own blog. Here, I’m thinking it over with most of the emotion stripped out.

I was just mulling over the struggle we experience when relationships with family and friends intersect with money. We see some of this all the time: the subtle dynamics of ” my sibling the rich one” vs. “my cousin the poor one,” the profligate vs. the saver, the haves vs. the have-nots. Generational money (or lack of it) adds another layer of complexity to the picture, as does the responsibility factor: who should or must step up when times get tough? And how?

Today, more than any other time in my almost four years of blogging, this question carries an urgency thanks to the economy we’re facing. With an all-time unemployment high, stringent credit throughout the market, and businesses still staggering under the pressure, it’s no wonder that people will need a helping hand from time to time. Things happen, life happens.

It’s critical that as a possible resource, you make sure that your finances are in order. It’s a mistake to lend money that you cannot afford to lose. In this case, learn to say no. It can be tough.

If you can afford to lose it, and decide that you are at ease with the idea of losing it, if you choose to give a family or friend a loan, seriously consider making it a gift. I’m not encouraging giving the recipient a free ride, whether or not you choose to tell the person in question that it’s a gift is up to you: every situation is different and perhaps the person is a younger sibling or a friend or a child who needs the opportunity to take responsibility. That’s fine, but for the sake of your sanity, make it a gift on your part.

Early on, that suggestion didn’t make sense to me, but it’s starting to now. After many years of quietly resenting that the sibling loans I made, and after giving myself countless nights of heartburn when the money never materialized, it dawned on me that I honestly couldn’t afford to give that money away in the first place. The loan wasn’t a permanent solution, and beyond that, it was causing me more harm than good.

Even when I could afford to let go of the money, the unfulfilled expectations were driving me Crazy. Thus, in our most recent debacle, the verbal message to my father was: pay me back. In my heart though, I just let it go, and on my desk, my budget was reworked. Adios, money!

It’s still irritating to be out that money, but it’s not keeping me up nights fussing about what else he spent the money on or why he failed to repay the loan. It’s less personal, in a way. And in the grand scheme of things, a good night’s sleep is more important than $500 that won’t put me in the poorhouse.

[Hi! My name is Revanche, and I normally write at my own PF blog: A Gai Shan Life.]

October 15, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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Carnival of Personal Finance #226

Join us in celebrating JLP’s fifth blogoversary at All Financial Matters. He’s hosting the Carnival of Personal Finance #226 with the AFM’s Turn 5 Edition.

Please remember to link back to the Carnival if your submission was featured!

We look forward to next week’s Carnival hosted by Fabulously Broke at Fabulously Broke in the City; be sure to submit your best articles by Sunday, 5 pm EST!

October 13, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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If you’re looking for a carnival …

please tune in tomorrow!

JLP will be posting/hosting the Carnival of Personal Finance #226 tomorrow, Tuesday, October 13th.

We’ll see you in the morning!

October 12, 2009 by Revanche | Filed Under Carnivals

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